


Through the Fallout

by lightsandsparks



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Breakup Fic, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Smut, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-05-25 04:32:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14969192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsandsparks/pseuds/lightsandsparks
Summary: Connor breaks up with Evan a few days before they graduate high school with no explanation. Evan tries to survive the summer without him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, a big huge thank you to [Tayler](https://archiveofourown.org/users/innovatived/pseuds/innovatived) for betaing!

Summers are always hard for Evan.

Without schoolwork, he has nothing to do but sit at home alone all day and think. It’s the whole reason he got that internship at the park last summer - something to distract himself from his own brain. 

He doesn’t start his job at the Pottery Barn for another three weeks. At least Jared isn’t away at camp this year, but Evan knows he’s busy and he doesn’t want to appear too clingy or annoying to the only friend he has left.

This may very well be the worst summer of his life so far though, since Connor broke up with him just days before they graduated high school and essentially shattered his heart into a million pieces.

Evan sighs as he sits on the couch, mindlessly flipping through TV channels and trying his hardest thing think about anything other than Connor. It’s a spiral that never gets him anywhere, especially because he doesn't have the guts to text him or try to contact him in any way. They haven’t talked since the break up, and Evan still doesn’t even know why Connor cut things off with him in the first place.

Evan knows in his heart he’s at least owed an explanation. They’d been together for almost an entire year. Of course Evan couldn’t even manage to maintain a relationship for that long, because why would he? He’s a miserable mess of a person and it’s only a matter of time before the people in his life realize that and get sick of him. He honestly doesn’t even blame Connor, the more he thinks about it.

But still. He wants to hear it from Connor. He wants to talk to him, just wants to see him again and at the very least, have a proper conversation. Their break-up weeks ago was heated and brief at best.

There’s a knock at the door, and it’s not just any knock. It’s their knock.

Connor and Evan had developed a special code for knocking on the door, created mostly for Evan’s benefit when he was home alone and Connor came to visit. Evan has a tendency to leave his phone on silent and ignore it for hours on end, so texts from Connor asking to come over often went unseen. 

This plus the fact that Evan had confided in Connor about his phobia of answering the door to strangers prompted them to come up with a secret code. This way, Evan would know who was there without having to stress over whether or not he should answer.

Three slow knocks and two fast ones. It’s Connor at the door.

Evan feels slightly guilty for the way his heart leaps in excitement. Has he come over to apologize? To tell Evan he regrets breaking up with him and that he wants to get back together? That has to be the reason, right?

Evan rushes to the door, hands shaking as he fumbles with the lock.

The open door reveals a Connor who looks so much different than the last time Evan had seen him. It’s only been a few weeks, but Connor is paler than usual, eyes underlined with darker, heavier bags. He looks like he’s lost weight, though he didn’t have much to lose in the first place.

Connor’s expression shifts slightly, and he wonders if he’s noticing the same changes in Evan as well. It wouldn’t be very unlikely; he definitely hasn’t be eating or sleeping properly as of late, either.

“Yes?” Evan asks, instantly despising himself for such a dumb opening line.

“Yeah, I-“ Connor sighs, pauses. Evan bites his tongue in an attempt to keep himself from filling the silence. “I just wanted to check up on you. I was worried. I know how hard things can get for you in the summer.”

Evan hates that Connor knows this about him. Hates that this is the only reason he’s here.

But most of all, he hates that he’s disappointed.

Worry and concern had always been a quintessential aspect of their relationship; the two of them were prone to feeling alone or like nobody cared about them, so they always made sure to check in with each other regularly. A reminder that someone was there, that someone was in their corner.

But Connor isn’t allowed to do that now. He forfeited that right.

“Well guess what. You don’t get to worry about me anymore.” Evan can hear his voice get shaky, can feel his eyes burning but he knows he can’t stop. He’s been holding this in for far too long and he has to let it out. “You gave up the right to worry about me when you gave up on our relationship. You know you broke my heart when you did that, right?” 

Connor says nothing, but he doesn’t need to. His expression has turned to one that Evan has come to recognize as a warning sign. He’s getting angry.

“Just leave me alone,” Evan spits out despite the fact that he doesn’t quite mean it.

“I knew you didn’t give a shit.” Connor’s voice has risen several notches and Evan almost flinches. “You’re just like everyone else.” Connor looks furious as he whips around and starts making long strides back to his car.

Evan can’t help himself. He follows him a few paces, stopping just before the edge of his porch. “Connor-” 

“Fuck you!” is the last thing he hears before the car door slams.

Evan’s stomach sinks, the tears flowing freely as a million terrible possibilities of what Connor might do next start racing through his mind. 

The next hour and a half for Evan is spent crying on the couch.

Briefly, he considered texting Connor. Hell, he even considers calling him, which is really saying something since they both hate the phone and almost never talked on it. Neither option seems like a particularly good idea though, so logically, crying is the only thing left to do.

He’s just sad and so, so scared. He doesn’t know how Connor is going to handle their confrontation. Had Evan been too harsh? Had he triggered Connor into a reaction that he doesn’t even want to think about? 

Yes, Evan is mad at him, but he still loves Connor with every last bit of heart he has left. He’d never forgive himself if something happened.

He’s still sobbing when he hears a noise behind him. He jumps, but realizes immediately who it is. At some point his mom must have gotten home. How long has he been laying there crying like this?

“Sweetie? What’s wrong?” His mom asks urgently, sounding like she’s trying to keep her voice neutral despite the obvious worry that had snuck its way in.

Evan can only choke out another heaving sob in response, though he does manage to pull himself upright.

“Oh Evan,” she coos. She sits down and reaches for him, and he immediately finds himself collapsing into her embrace. The hug feels nice. It’s been awhile since he’s made physical contact with another human like this.

It’s then that he realizes he still hasn’t told his mom that he and Connor had broken up. 

He starts crying even harder.

She doesn’t try to hush or stop him, just lets him cry it out and he’s so, so thankful. Eventually he exhausts himself, convinced he has no more tears left to cry and that he’ll probably need to drink a gallon of water later to rehydrate himself. She holds him for a while longer, running her fingers through his hair soothingly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently after a few quiet minutes.

“Connor and I we… we broke up.” He almost starts wailing all over again once the words leave his mouth, but he’s so exhausted by this point that the only thing that happens are his eyes blurring with tears. 

“Oh baby. What happened?” 

“I don’t know!” He says it a bit louder than intended but he can’t help it. “He just broke up with me and wouldn’t even tell me why. He showed up today to ‘check on me’ but I told him to leave me alone and… and he got angry and left and now I’m scared he’s going to try to…” he can’t finish the sentence but he thinks his mom will get the gist.

She’s familiar with Connor’s mental health issues. When Connor felt overwhelmed or like he couldn’t talk to his own family, he’d often come to Evan’s house. Once he became more comfortable with Heidi, he started confiding in her, eventually even admitting to her about his suicidal thoughts and actions. She helped as best she could, but she’s not a therapist and would alway make sure to relay it to Cynthia when they thought Connor might be in danger of hurting himself again.

If only the Murphy’s would stop being so dense in their refusal to get Connor a real therapist, but that was a separate issue.

“Should I call Cynthia and let her know what’s going on?”

Evan nods automatically. It may not help; Cynthia’s interjections often never did much and sometimes only made things worse, but it’s something. Especially since Evan can no longer be around to keep an eye on him.

“Okay.” She hugs him tightly, looking down at him and wiping some of the tears from his face. “How about you, Evan? Are you handling this okay? Anything you want to talk about?”

Evan is quiet for a minute. What would he even say? How honest should he be with her right now? 

“I think I’ll be okay.” He’s pretty sure it’s the furthest thing from the truth, but he just doesn’t have the energy to tell her the truth right now.

“First breakups are always hard. But you know what helps? Ice cream. Lots of it. And pizza. I’ll go order some. Why don’t you go pick out a movie? Just make sure it’s nothing you and Connor have watched before.”

Evan sniffles as they break apart, but he manages a smile. He loves his mom so much. 

“Okay,” he agrees. She gets up from the couch and pats his shoulder a bit.

“It’ll be okay honey. It’ll get a little easier every day.”

Evan doesn’t believe it, but he appreciates the sentiment either way.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning Evan can’t get himself out of bed.

He doesn’t even need to question whether or not it’s because he’s depressed. He’s been depressed for weeks really, but at least this time it’s situational and not due to that ever present chemical imbalance in his brain. 

Still though, this bout of depression feels just as heavy and all-consuming as it ever did.

His mom isn’t home as usual, though admittedly he does feel better for having spent the evening with her last night. Those moments are few and far between, and Evan can’t deny the small bit of resentment that boils in his gut when he realizes that he literally has to be sobbing on a couch for his mom to pay attention to him.

Either way he’s alone now, resulting in an all-consuming loneliness that only one person had ever managed to completely fill.

He’s been like this for hours, tossing and turning in bed with the blinds closed despite the fact that it’s a gorgeous day outside. He’s hungry, but the just thought of eating anything right now makes his stomach churn violently. It’s only when he absolutely cannot ignore the urge to pee any longer that he finally peels himself out of bed.

More than the loneliness is the overwhelming worry that something bad has happened to Connor. Well, more specifically, that Connor did something bad to  _ himself _ .  

There’s only one feasible way he can think of to get to the bottom of it, and hopefully gain some much needed peace of mind in the process.

Evan grabs a pair of headphones and doesn’t even bother looking in the mirror before leaving the house.

This used to be his way of calming down; whenever he felt jittery with anxiety and sitting still was only making it worse, he would listen to some music and take a walk around his neighborhood. 

When he was with Connor, he would make the thirty minute trek to his house. They would either continue the walk or hang out in Connor’s backyard and just talk.

To make things worse, every song on almost all of his Spotify playlists are reminding him of Connor.

He shuts off his music and lets the loud noises from his brain occupy him as he walks.

It’s only when he gets to Connor’s block that he realizes he has no idea what he’s going to do.

Everything inside of him is screaming that he needs to check on Connor and make sure he’s okay, but how can he do that? He can’t just waltz up to the house and knock on the door, especially because there’s no way that would end favorably. 

Even if Connor had told his family they’d broken up, whoever answers the door would probably do it the same way they always had; a big smile, ushering him in and chattering his ear off, (well, the girls were more known for that than Connor or Larry) offering him food, or asking him about what’s new in his life. There’s no way Evan would be able to handle any of that without crying.

So instead, Evan does what he’s best at doing - he stands across the street idly and waits for something to happen.

Nothing does, obviously.

When twenty minutes have passed and Evan’s feet start to ache, he weighs his options. The main reason he showed up here was to make sure Connor is okay. In retrospect, he probably could have just texted Zoe, but there’s also a part of him that knows he’s aching for the comfort of the people who have become like a second family to him.

As if on cue, the side gate opens and Zoe comes strutting out onto the lawn in that beautiful, confident way she’s always had. She’s swinging her car keys by the lanyard they’re attached to and she seems contented and happy. A good sign.

Evan is running up to her before he can think twice about it. 

“Evan?” she asks, her expression going soft and… sympathetic. “What are you doing here?”

That reaction tells Evan everything he needs to know. 

“I- um. Well.” He has no idea what to say and finds himself regretting his decision to even show up in the first place. He must look like the crazy ex-boyfriend that stalks out your house weeks after you broke up with him and then ambushes your sister in broad daylight. He’s such an idiot.

“Connor’s not home, if that’s why you’re here. I think he had a doctor’s appointment or something.”

Evan feels bile rise to his throat and he almost gags on it. “Is he okay?!” he yelps, the words just barely coming out audibly.

Zoe raises an eyebrow. “He’s fine, I think it was an eye doctor’s appointment or something. Or maybe the dentist, I don’t remember. Here’s a better question: are you okay?”

Evan’s eyes burn but he nods his head in rapid succession anyway. “Yes, I just. We had a fight yesterday and he got angry so I wanted to check on him but since you said he’s okay I should probably go now-”

“No,” Zoe grabs his hand as he goes to turn around. “I’m running to Target to buy a new hair dryer. Come with me. I know you love Target.”

Evan smiles a little despite the obvious tears he’s trying so hard to blink away. “Who doesn’t?”

“Exactly.”

Evan winds up asking to stay in the car, much to Zoe’s obvious disappointment and concern. “It’s the middle of summer, Ev. I’m not going to treat you like the dog of an irresponsible owner.”

“I can’t really… I don’t think I can handle all the people and crowds right now.”

Zoe nods. “Fair enough, but I’m leaving the AC on. Feel free to mess around with my aux cord.”

Evan feels his heart clench as he looks down at the purple wire connected to Zoe’s USB port. Flashbacks from senior year start replaying in his mind; the mornings where Zoe would blast her peppy pop music on the way to school until Connor eventually convinced her that he and Evan should get at least one request per trip.

Worst of all is the memory of the story that Connor told him. That Zoe went through a hardcore Zedd phase and would play the song “The Middle” every morning for a week, right before Connor and Evan had gotten together. That Connor surprisingly didn’t mind it all too much, and that they had a sibling bonding moment when Connor started singing the song along with her.

The worst part about that story now is the fact that Connor told him he would think of Evan every time they listened to it.

The next thing Evan knows he’s blasting “The Middle” and singing along to every word through tears that just won’t stop rolling.

“Jesus Christ,” Zoe remarks loudly when she gets back into the car. “I leave you alone for ten minutes. What happened?”

Evan shakes his head, unplugging his phone from the cord. “Just thinking.”

Zoe looks at him with sad eyes but doesn’t question him any further. “Here,” she says instead, reaching into one of the bags. She pulls out a pack of Starbursts and a tiny potted succulent. “I know you’re supposed to give people chocolate to deal with breakups but you like Starbursts better, right? And I’m sure you wouldn’t say no to this little guy,” she gestures to the succulent, a healthy looking Zebra Haworthia.

Evan clutches the two gifts in his hands and sniffles. “You didn’t have to-” 

“Shut up,” she rolls her eyes and smacks his arm playfully. “Wanna come back to my house? Connor won’t be home for a while. I think my mom is going to try to take him to dinner after his appointment. We can paint our nails and watch Drag Race just like old times?”

God, Evan is so, so grateful for her. “That sounds good.”

The evening goes well. Zoe paints his nails and makes them hot dogs with mac and cheese for dinner. They marathon Drag Race and Zoe tries to demonstrate to Evan how to do a death drop. She’s unsurprisingly good at it, but he refuses her offer to attempt the move on his own.

Evan is actually in a good mood for the first time since before the break up, until he hears Connor raise his voice downstairs.

He shoots a look to Zoe with what he can only guess are eyes as wide as saucers. 

“Don’t worry. If he’s fighting with my parents he’ll probably stomp right up to his room. I’ll walk you out after we hear the inevitable door slam.”

The door slam never comes. 

“I haven’t heard his voice in a while. Maybe he’s in his room now?” Evan whispers eventually.

“Yeah. I’ll walk you out.”

Evan’s stomach drops to his feet when they open the door to see Connor standing in front of his room, scrolling on his phone.

He snaps his head up and glares furiously when he meets Evan’s eyes.

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Connor’s voice is loud and booming and Evan has to force himself not to hide behind Zoe. “You boning my sister now that we’re not together anymore?”

“Oh fuck  _ off _ ,” Zoe yells, her anger escalating just as quickly as Connor’s had. “Stop making shit up just because you’re salty. We’re allowed to still be friends!”

Connor steps forward and this time Evan does hide behind Zoe, but it’s more of an attempt to stay out of the sibling’s crossfire than anything.

“So much for loyalty. God, you two are the worst. Fuck you both.” 

It’s not as harsh as what Evan had expected. In fact, Connor doesn’t even look or sound that angry anymore. Evan knows him better. He just seems… hurt.

“Fuck you too,” Zoe fires at Connor’s back as he retreats to his room. 

And there goes the door slam.

Evan looks down and tries to control his breathing. If there’s one thing he hates, it’s getting yelled at. Especially by Connor.

“Come on Ev,” she says gently, taking his hand and squeezing it. “Don’t worry about him. You know how he is.”

Unfortunately, Evan does know how Connor is. 

That’s the problem.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi friends! So I've officially finished writing this fic. Updates will be on Mondays and Thursdays!
> 
> As always, thanks to Tayler for the beta!

July 4th is one of the many holidays that Evan absolutely dreads.

This is mostly due to the fact that he hates parties, and every year the Kleinman’s have a Fourth of July cookout that Evan is pretty much obligated to attend.

His mother did at least have the foresight to give him the option of getting out of it, but, well. Evan hasn’t seen Jared since his graduation party and this would be a pretty decent excuse hang out with him that wouldn’t make Evan feel annoying.

So, despite the anxiety gnawing at his stomach at the prospect of having to make small talk with Jared’s family, Evan puts on a “festive” red polo and follows his mom to the Kleinman’s backyard, obligatory pasta salad in hand.

Evan spends the first hour or so of the party practically attached to his mom’s hip. Jared’s been surrounded by his doting aunts and uncles since they arrived, and he doesn’t want to interfere. Evan picks at his cheeseburger and tries to avoid eye contact with anyone he might know. Which is pretty much everyone. 

God, he’s known this family for so long. Why can’t he just be normal and go up to one of them and start a conversation? He thinks it’s probably rude not to, but the thought of trying to fake-smile his way through an exchange about college and future plans makes his head hurt.

Finally though, he and Heidi are approached by a group of Jared’s little cousins, the oldest of the three begging Evan to come play with them. He can’t say no to these kids. They’re his favorite out of Jared’s huge group of extended family members. 

They talk his ear off as they drag him further into the yard. He awkwardly plays hop scotch and and tag with them. Evan thinks he’s actually having fun until one small question ruins the whole thing.

“Evan?” one of the younger ones asks. “Where’s Connor? You always bring him and he’s really fun to play with too!”

“Yeah!” Another pipes up. “He used to give me piggyback rides! Is he coming later, Evan?”

Evan closes his eye and tries to breathe. Images of Connor playing with Jared’s little cousins at the various get-togethers he’s attended over the past year start playing through his mind. Evan remembers how he used to just sit back and watch, imagining Connor in ten years playing with  _ their  _ kids like that. Realizing that despite his worries to the contrary, Connor would make such a great dad.

Evan almost chokes on a sob. He hates that any mention of Connor can still make him react like this, but he can’t help it. He’s still so hurt. 

Evan blinks away his tears and looks down at the expectant faces watching him. “No, he’s not coming. We’re not… we’re not.” Evan stutters through an explanation. The whole family, including the kids, knows they were together. Is he really ready to announce that they’d broken up? “He’s staying home today. I’ll be right back.”

Evan squeezes his eyes shut and all but runs to the Kleinman’s guest bathroom. It’s tucked in their spare room all the way upstairs which he’s hoping will mean it’s empty.

After about ten minutes, Evan blows his nose and splashes some water on his face, hoping it will do its job to mask the fact that he’d been crying. He jumps backwards when he hears a sudden knock on the door.

“Be, be out in a minute,” he mumbles, drying his face with a towel.

“It’s me, asshole. Open up.”

Oh.

Evan opens the door to reveal a curious looking Jared with his arms crossed. “What’s wrong this time? I saw your face when you bolted into the house and you’ve been up here for a while. You either have food poisoning or something happened, and I’m guessing it’s the latter because my family’s food is the tits.”

Evan sighs. He can’t deal with this right now. “I’m fine.”

“Yeah, uh-huh.” Jared seems to be studying his face. Evan knows he isn’t fooling anyone, especially not Jared. They’ve known each other for far too long. “Wanna go play videos games? I wouldn’t mind getting away from my family for a while, either.”

That’s how they wind up in Jared’s darkened bedroom, making their way through a fifth round of Mario Kart.

Evan almost thought he’d gotten away with it, until Jared breaks the silence that’s settled over them. “So, you gonna tell me what that was about?”

Rolling his eyes, Evan decides to just rip off the metaphorical band-aid. “Connor and I broke up. Your little cousins were asking me where he was.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Evan sees Jared’s eyebrows raise. “Shit. That sucks, dude. What happened? You guys were starting to give me cavities.”

“That’s the thing. I have no clue. I thought we were fine but. Guess he disagreed.”

“He broke up with you?”

“Yep.”

“And he didn’t tell you why?”

“Not really.”

“What a dick. I knew there was something up with that guy. You don’t need him, dude. I’ll set you up with one of the guys I met from camp last summer. Or girls. You said you’re bi, right? I can’t keep everyone’s confused sexualities straight these days. No pun intended.”

Evan ignores him easily. “I’m just worried. I think there might be something going on with him that he didn’t tell me about. We were together for a year, Jared. You don’t just break up with someone for no reason after that.” 

It hits Evan then just how hypocritical he’s being after he told Connor he isn’t allowed to worry about him anymore, but he can’t  _ help _ it.

“You have a point.”

“And,” Evan adds. “I feel bad for him. He doesn’t really have people in his corner like I do. Zoe brought me over her house and hung out with me for a while, which actually ended horribly because we ran into Connor. But, it was nice.” Evan promptly leaves out the part about how Jared, whether he means to or not, is kind of helping him right now, too.

“He has his nerdy soul-sister Alana.”

“That’s… true, but she’s always so busy in the summer. I doubt she’s had much time to hang with him.”

Jared sighs. “I could talk to him for you.”

Evan almost drives his kart off the road. “You would do that?”

“Yeah. He’s the only one I can get to play Call of Duty with me. Plus, you know how much I love gossip. Maybe I can get him to tell me why he broke up with you.”

“Don’t needle him too much,” Evan warns. “He’s… not in the best headspace right now. He accused me of sleeping with Zoe when he caught us hanging out.”

“...Are you?”

“Jared!”

“Had to ask. But fine, I’ll be subtle about it.”

That isn’t what Evan meant, but he doesn’t say anything. If Jared can get that information out of him, Evan would be the last person to complain about it. Even if Jared winds up with a broken nose in the process.

\--

Jared messages Evan on gchat two days later.

**[Jared 1:17pm]** had murphy over for cod   
**[Jared 1:17pm]** he sucks at it now but i got him to spill the tea about ur breakup

Well, nobody ever accused Jared of working slowly. 

Evan’s heart is hammering in his chest as he types his reply.

**[Evan 1:18pm]** And??

**[Jared 1:19pm]** can’t tell you. he made me promise not to

**[Jared 1:19pm]** but i think hes gonna try to talk to you so keep ur phone off silent for once

Evan doesn’t know whether to be excited or terrified. 

Either way, at least it’s something.

**[Evan 1:21pm]** Okay, thanks. **  
** **[Evan 1:21pm]** ...not even a hint, though??

**[Jared 1:22pm]** sorry dude, bro code. 

**[Evan 1:23pm]** Since when are you two ‘bros’?

**[Jared 1:25pm]** murphys alright. dont tell him i said that tho. anyways just try not to worry about it so much 

The only thing Evan can do is hope that that’s a good sign.

Until he realizes how much he hates himself for wanting Connor back so badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your sweet, lovely, and generous comments. :,) They keep me motivated and inspired. It's funny how even posting just a few simple words can make my entire day!


	4. Chapter 4

It takes almost an entire week, but just when Evan is about to give up hope, Connor texts him. 

**Connor:** hey. 

Evan rolls his eyes. He decides to give himself five minutes before answering, but luckily Connor follows up with something a bit more substantial. 

**Connor:** i understand if you hate me but i wanna talk to you. can we meet up tomorrow night at the spot? 

Evan decides he needs to be curt and vague, despite the fact that his heart is singing in relief and joy. 

**Evan:** I guess. What time? 

**Connor:** 7? 

**Evan:** Okay 

**Connor:** thanks. 

\-- 

Evan goes back and forth on deciding whether or not he should wear the hoodie. There was a thunderstorm this morning that brought in a bought of cold air. He has other hoodies, ones that never belonged to Connor. 

Evan wears it anyway, and reasons that if Connor is planning on cutting things off with Evan for good, he should at least give it back so he doesn't have to look at it anymore. 

It's sunny out now, thankfully, or else Connor and Evan would have to find a different place to meet. 

When Evan arrives at the orchard, Connor is exactly where he always is when they meet up like this. Sitting under that one tree that gets the best view of the sunset over the field. 

Hundreds of memories flow through Evan's mind, but he tries to block them out as he sits down next to him tentatively, wrapping his arms around his knees and hugging them close. 

"Do you remember the first time we came here together?" Connor asks after a few moments of extremely awkward silence. 

Annoyance flares up in Evan's gut. "Can we not do this? Just tell me why you wanted to meet." 

Connor sighs. "I wanted to apologize. For everything. And give you an explanation? Kleinman said- well, that's not important." 

Evan shakes his head. "I'm listening." 

"Well, first of all I'm sorry. For yelling at you, for accusing you of doing stuff with Zoe. For breaking up with you with no explanation... for breaking your heart." 

Evan tears up, just like he knew he would. "I don't know if I can forgive you. Not yet." 

Connor looks over and Evan refuses to meet his eyes. "That's fair. But I am sorry. You deserve better than that." 

"You're right. I do." 

"And… I guess. Well, you know how bad I am at talking about my feelings and shit. But that's why I broke up with you in the first place, Ev. You deserve so much better than anything I can ever give you. I'm always going to be like this. I'm going to yell and say terrible things and I'm never going to get any better. I can't put you through it anymore." 

"Really? That's why you did this?" Evan scrubs his face with his hands in frustration. "That doesn't. That doesn't make any sense. We _never_ fought. Things were good, Connor." 

"But that's the problem, they were _too_ good. I mean, look at my life. Zoe hates me, my parents can't stand to be around me. I hurt everyone that loves me and it was only a matter of time until I did the same to you." 

"Connor. You didn't hurt me until you broke up with me." 

"I'm so sorry, Ev. I was just… scared." 

"Of what?" 

"Of how much I love you, I think? I don't know." 

The realization hits Evan like a freight train. "Do you think that maybe you're just scared of being happy?" 

Connor doesn't respond. He pulls his knees to his chest and hugs them, mirroring Evan until he turns his face away. Evan sees his shoulders shake ever so slightly. He's crying. 

Evan can't help it. He reaches out and rubs Connor's arm. He loves this boy so much, and Evan knows in that moment that nothing is ever going to change that. 

They stay like that for a while, neither of them talking. Evan knows he shouldn't prompt Connor right now, that he needs to let him ride out the wave of emotion. Eventually, Connor breaks the silence. 

"I love you, Evan," he says simply, looking over at him with earnest, teary eyes. 

"I love you, too. But I think you should have given me the chance to decide whether or not our relationship wasn't working anymore. Or, you could have at least talked to me about it. All that stuff you were worried about was hypothetical and in your head." 

Connor's silent for a long time. "I know that now. Or at least, I'm trying to believe it."  


"It's a start." 

"I want you back, Evan," Connor says suddenly. "If you'll have me." 

Evan sighs. His first instinct is to jump for joy and tell Connor that yes, yes, yes, he wants nothing more than to be with Connor again, but he can't. There's a part of Evan that's still hurt, and it needs some time to repair. 

"I need time, Connor." 

Evan half expects him to get angry again, but he does. He just nods and hugs his knees closer, resting his chin on them. "That's fair." 

They sit for a while, watching as the sun begins to set over the horizon. "So you really told Jared all of that?" Evan asks, trying to hide the amusement in his voice. 

Connor shrugs. "It helped that he provided the vodka." 

Evan rolls his eyes. Of course he did. 

"You're wearing my hoodie." 

Evan looks down. He'd almost forgotten about it. He goes to take it off, but gives it a second thought. 

"Can I keep it?" 

Connor smiles for the first time all night, and Evan smiles back. "I was hoping you'd say that." 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys. Just wanna throw out a quick warning - this chapter contains smut. Don't read past the first break if that's not your cup of tea!
> 
> Thanks again to Tayler for betaing!

There's no one, shining moment where Evan decides he's ready to be with Connor again. 

It takes a few weeks, that's for sure. In the days leading up, Evan agonizes over how to tell him. Should he make some kind of grand gesture? Have a big, romantic speech prepared? Roses? Dinner? Something? 

Evan has no idea how to go about it and it stops him in his tracks until he realizes that Connor isn't really going to care either way. He'll just be happy to hear the decision. 

There's a lingering worry that maybe Evan waited too long. What if Connor's moved on? What if he's over Evan? The worst case scenario is possible as well - what if Connor already has a new boyfriend? God, and Evan thought he'd been hurt before. The thought makes him sick. 

Well, there's only one way to find out. 

Evan decides he's going to invite Connor over his house. It's more private that way, since his mom isn't home as per usual. 

Besides, there's something he wants to do that he's missed out on for months, and he knows it'll mean more to Connor than any speech or dinner ever would. 

**Evan:** What are you up to? Want to come over for a little while? 

They've texted a bit back and forth since their conversation at the orchard, but haven't seen each other or tried to hang out at all. Evan appreciates Connor giving him his space. 

**Connor:** sure. be there soon. 

It feels like hours before Evan hears their special knock. 

It's only when he opens the door that the realizes he has no idea how to do this. 

"You can, uh. You can come in." _Smooth, Evan._

As soon as Connor closes the door Evan does what he does best when he's nervous - he acts impulsively. 

Evan grabs the back of Connor's neck, stands on his tip toes and kisses him hard on the lips. It feels just like coming home. 

A few moments later though, Connor pulls away. "Ev, I can't just… what does this mean?" 

Evan smiles. "It means… it means I forgive you and I want to be with you again. If you still want the same, of course." 

The smile Evan receives in return lights up the whole room and the darkest corners of his mind. It makes Evan remember just how rare a smile like that from Connor can be. It's special, and meant just for him. "I do still want that. I love you, Evan." 

"I love you, too." That's all that Connor needs to hear before he's wrapping his arms around Evan's waist and going in for another kiss. It's different this time, though. Hungrier, more desperate. Evan thinks it's leading exactly where he'd hoped it would. 

"Wanna go upstairs?" Evan asks in between sloppy kisses as Connor sucks a mark onto his jaw. 

Connor stops dead in his tracks and pulls back to look Evan in the eyes. "Are you sure?" 

"I've missed you so, so much. I need you." 

"Okay." 

\-- 

In the privacy of Evan's bedroom, they strip naked quickly. 

Evan had forgotten how safe and grounding it always felt to have Connor's warm body on top of his. 

"Can we, can we, I want-" Evan pants, unable to get his words out in the heat of the moment. Luckily, Connor knows him well enough to fill in the blanks. 

Besides, Evan knows he's not exactly being subtle by grinding his erection against Connor's. 

"Yeah, just let me- do you still keep them where you always did?" 

"Yes." 

Connor peels himself away from Evan to retrieve the lube and condoms from Evan's closet. Evan keeps them there to ease his paranoia that his mother will find them in his bedside table, especially since she goes there to check to see if he needs refills on his medication every so often. 

Connor returns and lays down by Evan's side. Although Evan tilts up his chin to beg for a kiss, Connor just stares at him for a few moments. 

It's unexpected enough to make Evan self-conscious. "What?" he asks. 

"I can't believe I was ever stupid enough to give this up. To give _you_ up." 

Evan smiles as a warmth floods his belly, except it's not from the affection he usually gets when Connor compliments him. His dick is hard and aching and they can talk later, but right now Evan only has one thing on his mind. "Kiss me." 

Connor does. They wrap around each other and Connor shifts to press kisses to Evan's neck, jaw, collarbone. Evan slips a hand in between their sweaty skin, stroking Connor's hard-on when he finds it and causing his boyfriend (his _boyfriend_!) to squirm around on top of him. 

They start grinding in desperate unison, and if Evan doesn't put a stop to this it'll be over too soon. He needs Connor even closer. 

"Please," Evan begs. "Want you inside of me." 

Connor nods. He reaches for the lube and Evan hears it being squeezed out. He closes his eyes and before he knows it, Connor is kissing him softly again. "Let me know if it gets to be too much." 

Connor starts slowly. He eases a finger inside and Evan has to keep himself from flinching at the sensation. He'd almost forgotten what this felt like, but god. Nothing can compare to Connor's long fingers opening him up, the tender burn that slowly fades into pleasure as he adds another finger and then another. 

Evan arches his back, thrusting himself down onto Connor's hand and reveling in the smooth slip and slide of skin and warmth inside him. Evan could easily come just from this, but no. He needs more. 

"Ready, okay, I'm. I'm ready," Evan announces. 

"Okay." 

Evan feels the fingers slip from his body, and he clenches around the emptiness. He takes a few deep breaths, gasping when Connor gives Evan's dick a few strokes to keep him hard. Evan wiggles, trying to communicate to Connor that he should hurry up, that he's getting impatient. 

Connor takes his time getting the condom on regardless. Evan wonders if maybe he's nervous. 

"I love you," Evan reminds him. 

Connor leans over him and kisses him deeply. He pulls away with a smack. "I love you more than you could ever know, Evan." 

Evan believes him. 

Soon, Connor is pushing into him, and Evan has to remind himself not to tense up, to relax his muscles or else it won't work. It stings, but in that sweet, familiar way that Evan had gotten so used to when they did this regularly. 

Evan waits for the pain to subside. "You can move now." 

Connor's hips stutter. He's shaking, but from what Evan can't be sure. He would shake a lot when they had sex, usually from holding back. Is it nerves this time? Desperation? He doesn't have much time to linger on the thought before Connor is thrusting forward and burying himself deep inside of Evan. 

The moan that escapes his lips couldn't have been contained even if he wanted it to, and Evan is so thankful for being home alone. He smiles a bit in amusement when he realizes that isn't a thought he's had for quite a while. 

Soon Evan is shaking as well, but at least he knows it's from his own arousal. Evan reaches for his straining dick, but Connor shoos his hand away and replaces it with his own. Connor strokes him hard and fast as he fucks into Evan in unison. Evan's body goes limp with pleasure, soaking in every sensation and hoping he can hold out long enough for this to last forever. 

Evan knows the thought is unrealistic. It becomes even more unrealistic though, when Connor angles his body just a bit differently and slams into that spot that makes electric ecstasy race through Evan's entire body. He sees white for a moment and then he's coming, streaks painting both of their stomachs as Connor fucks him through it. 

Connor silences the moans that Evan hadn't even realized he was making with a sloppy kiss. He pulls almost all of the way out and then slams forward one last time before collapsing into Evan's shoulder and making that sound that Evan recognizes as the signal that he came. 

They lay like that, motionless for a few minutes as they catch their breaths. Evan runs his fingers lightly up and down Connor's smooth back, picturing the freckles that he knows are there but can't see due to the angle. He could stay like this forever. 

"That tickles," Connor says eventually, though he makes no attempt at moving. 

"Thought you weren't ticklish?" Evan quips, moving his hands away to start playing with Connor's hair, curlier than usual from sweat. 

"Only on my back. You knew that. God, Evan. We were only broken up for two months." 

Evan's stomach sinks a little. "Really?" 

Connor pulls away from Evan's shoulder, leaning up to kiss him on the nose. "Nope. I just never told you that." 

Evan smiles brightly and goes in for a kiss as well, but plants it on Connor's lips instead. Connor chases him when he goes to lay his head back down, kissing him deeply. Evan wiggles his fingers across Connor's back and he jerks, laughing into Evan's mouth. 

"You wanna start? I may be slightly ticklish on my back but we all know you're _really_ ticklish _everywhere_." 

Connor isn't wrong. "I'd rather start that new Netflix series that just got released the other day." 

"Good choice." 

**Author's Note:**

> Can this be the part where I beg for comments?
> 
> Also I just realized I've never given out my tumblr on ao3? Soo here, come be my friend: [lightaspark](https://lightaspark.tumblr.com)


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